it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
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