I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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