At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
