what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
