M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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