Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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