my shit smells like andre
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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