Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
