there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
