I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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