You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
