My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?