Soap is not a condiment
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.