I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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