I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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