Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
