I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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