I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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