Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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