Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
