I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Randomize
