i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
