my mouth tastes like poor choices
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
