she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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