I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
