I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I lost the right to judge tonight
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
