i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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