I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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