When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
