Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
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