it wasn't lemon gatorade
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm really busy with my period
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