Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Randomize
