The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
