hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
