I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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