Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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