for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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