There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
