i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
