dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
