Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The ass gains better be worth it
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