I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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