My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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