the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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