he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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