i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
