Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
don't judge my taste in strippers
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
