Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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