if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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