Cold hands, warm shart.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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