Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
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I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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