It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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