everyone is single if you try hard enough
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
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