I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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