Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
