so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
