and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
