haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
