I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
