You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
