where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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