I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
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What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heโs Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Oh and itโs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ๐๐๐๐ฌ๐ณ๐
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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