just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
