I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
