all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
