saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
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My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
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Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
PANTIES FOUND
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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